Time for a new blog. Actually – about time. So while i am looking forward to 2014 I am also somewhere reflecting on the past. What a journey it has been till now! And i feel all those who have followed my career should know how I feel about it.
About ten years back when my first daily soap had hit the screens I had hoped that I am accepted and people overlook my shortcomings. Since I was not a trained actor I was learning as I was working. I was not sure whether whatever I was doing was good or not. I was going by my conviction and by my heart. I was not even worrying about rejection as I was just focussed on getting it right. And the day I was told that my first daily soap would be aired at 11 pm I thought my future was doomed. Who would wake up till 11 in the night to watch us ? I started thinking of back up plans, all worried and nervous, as I could see a long road ahead full of struggle. Thought that I will have to start all over again. Finally, the telecast day arrived and the show aired at 11. It took me a week to know that I was not rejected 🙂
The world called it a success – I took it as responsibility. I knew my journey had just begun. The challenge doesn’t lie in getting on the road. It lies in travelling that road. Today when I look back I realise that most of the fears that were ever a part of me at some point or the other were either induced by all those who never walked on the unbeaten path or I generated them myself each time I looked everywhere but inwards. Each time I worked on a borrowed mind, which has not been very often till now, I regretted. Each time I went with my gut, I was happy, whatever the outcome. I kept experimenting with the norms set by the conventional thinkers and kept getting a different outcome. Those outcomes gave me a new perspective and a new taste. A taste which may not have been palatable every time but it was definitely satiating in the end. Today I feel that I discovered myself a lot in the last 10 years and while the discovery is still on I am at least at peace with myself..
I also experienced the unparalleled high and thrill, when you discover something new from your own life. Left Right Left, my second daily soap was on a smaller channel. I did not know whether it will work or not but I still wanted to do it. A lot was at stake. Time Bomb did not work and I was facing the threat of being labelled ‘one serial wonder’. But at times, conviction is stronger than calculation. The success of LRL not just gave my self belief an adrenalin shot, it also spoilt me. I became hungry to grow as an actor. I started hating the word ‘safe zone’. I started looking for the ‘unchartered zone’. I wanted to break myths, break rules and go with my instincts. Aamir, Shaitan, Soundtrack and Table No 21 were all the result of that. Even Sach Ka Saamna was a challenge as it was immediately after Aamir. People thought I should not go back to television after Aamir but my conviction won once again. It would be honest to say that the same conviction has failed me too on some occasions but it never failed me enough to blame it on anyone but myself. The agony was less.
So, here I am struggling to better myself with each passing day. I realised that each time you win, you don’t defeat others – you actually better yourself. You only defeat your insecurity, your weakness. And each time you lose you just lose the match and not the game.
All along, there were good moments, super good moments and and some ‘not so good moments’. Some moments which seemed may never pass also passed. Today when I look back or look ahead I know life is all about moments. Some well spent, some well invested and some just wasted. And life for everyone is a sum total of all these moments. I feel sad for all those who think they are the chosen ones for all the unfortunate things in the world. If one introspects, one realises that it is we who choose the path and inflict pain on ourselves rather than life choosing us to be the unfortunate ones. I realised this pretty early in my life and career. Whatever happens – good bad or ugly, i am responsible for it.
A lot of you wonder as to why don’t I do a lot of projects. Its not that I am choosy. At times I dont find anything worthwhile to sign. At times a few projects I signed did not materialise and a few did not shape up as promised and hence the absence. But it is a part and parcel of every industry. I am aware of your expectations and how you wish for so many things. ‘This year will be better than the last year in term of my appearances.
Year after year when I look back I feel it boils down to just one question – did I enjoy the journey? Whenever the answer is in negative I look inwards and ensure it won’t be the same next year.
So keep smiling and and keep rocking as you always do. We have to do a lot this year. 2014 will change a lot for us because the change will be brought by us! Be aware and stay informed!
Lots of love and best wishes
The picture you see on top was taken by me during one of my Leh trips 🙂